The Cupid of Camden
by Concupiscence66
Summary: Vince and Howard go out for Valentine's Day and Howard reflects on their odd friendship.  M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

What a fucking romantic story. Derek Gideon has been missing and presumed dead for _ten_ years. He was last seen in the Amazon, looking for new species of snakes to bring home to his lovely wife, Edith.

Edith who was working in a crummy zoo whose only interesting animal - Bollo, the Gorilla - was currently sat on Howard's sofa, smoking a joint.

It was Valentine's Day, of all days, when he suddenly reappeared. Turns out he was abducted by a snake worshipping tribe that eventually made him their leader. After ten years, he came home to find his wife still waiting for him. She never stopped referring to herself simply as Mrs. Gideon.

Howard turned off the telly. The story was everywhere. He was tempted to run by the Gideon residence with Vince, perhaps mention to Derek the only reason his wife is still waiting for him is because Vince doesn't fancy overly bright girls. Vince says he wants an equal, a woman with no room for a brain because she simply has too much hair.

At least, that's what Vince had said that morning over breakfast as they watched the most revoltingly romantic story of the year unfold.

"Hey, Howard! Tonight, right?, is going to be genius. I've got it all planned out..." chattered Vince, relentlessly cheerful on the most depressing day of the year. Howard could barely summon the energy to turn his head and look at Vince. How was he going to spend the night out drinking?

Howard was prepared for a jumpsuit made of candy hearts or maybe a transparent top with heart-shaped cut-out nipples, neither of those looks would have caused him to bat a lash. Howard thought he was immune to surprise when it came to Vince's wardrobe, but now he was gawking like a stranger on the street. Vince had jumped over the androgynous line and was wearing a sexy but tasteful red cocktail dress. On a woman, Howard would have thought the dress left nothing to the imagination. On Vince, however, the dress left quite a lot to the imagination (things Howard didn't want to imagine like how Vince was hiding the one sure indicator he was a man).

"Just give me the short version," Howard grumbled.

"Theodore's is doing buy one meal get one free for couples tonight AND women get free champagne. They say one glass, but with this dress, I don't reckon I'll have to buy all night! I told you, it's genius. Don't know why we didn't think of this before," Vince exclaimed, as he twirled in front of a mirror, "And I didn't even have to shave my legs cause me trousers are so tight, they've chaffed all the hair off from the waist down. Quit frowin' 'bout Mrs. Gideon and let's get some free drinks."

Vince was a startling convincing woman, far too fetching for Howard's comfort.

On the other hand, Vince was right. The dress was probably going to bring in enough free drinks to get them both pissed (Vince was such a light weight) and Howard wanted to get black out drunk tonight. Besides, it might be nice to have a night out where no one yelled, "Benders!" in their faces or threatening their physical well-being.

The first time Howard met Vince, the boy was wearing pink lip gloss and eye liner.

Howard wasn't completely surprised Bob Fossil's new hire had arrived to his first day of work wearing make-up. When he asked Fossil about the boy's qualification, Fossil said, "His eyes are like deep blue pools that I wanna swim in. Naked! His hair is like cotton candy or candy floss... Whatever you stupid whites call it here!"

He was not expecting a seasoned zoo keeper. At least Vince was pleasant and the animals took a liking to him right away. Since Tommy's disappearance, Howard's colleagues had fallen into two categories: tolerable or intolerable. Vince was tolerable.

Vince laughed when Howard suggested using the zoo gear to shear his absurd barnet but jumped in genuine terror when Howard pretended to go for the clippers. He wasn't bright, he looked ridiculous but he had a sense of humor. Vince was tolerable +1.

"You wanna go down pub, get a drink?" Vince asked as they stood in the keeper hut, changing out of their uniforms. Howard winced at Vince's choice to ask the question while they were half naked.

"I'm not likely to go to a pub with **you**now, am I, Vince?" Howard snapped. He regretted his harshness when Vince physically pulled back.

"Forget I asked," Vince mumbled into his shirt collar.

"What year were ya born, Vince?" Howard asked in his most authoritative tone.

"Nineteen seventy..." Vince's eyes widened and he chewed his shiny pink lip as he frantically tried to think.

"I thought as much. Your fifteen, Little Man. You should be in school."

"I don't like school. I like working with animals. Don't tell Fossil, please, Howard. I won't go back to school."

Vince's eyes were wide and Howard didn't really care so he promised to keep Vince's secret.

"You wanna go get some ice cream?" Vince asked when he was in his civilian pink striped flares and skin tight tee-shirt. Howard had been raised by his parents to believe he would eventually be lured into gheydom (with sex and ice cream) by an underaged boy dressed like a woman and wearing make-up. That is why he knew for a fact that Vince was not asking him out. His parents had been wrong about everything, including saying that drinking coffee would stunt Howard's growth.

As they walked towards the pink and yellow ice cream stand, Vince chattered about nonsense and reveled in Howard's scorn for everything he liked and cared about.

"How'd you know I lied 'bout my age?" Vince finally asked.

"Lots of reasons," Howard explained in a sage tone, "but mainly because you doctored your birth certificate with crayon."

Howard put on a fresh roll neck and a corduroy jacket. When he met Vince at the door, he held out his arm which Vince took with a swooning noise.

"Let's paint the town red, darling," he said as he helped Vince into the cab.

"The whole town?" Vince laughed, "That would take forever but it would look amazin'!"


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Vince/Howard

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Veracity is the name of the game. Vince and Howard have dinner.

Warnings: cross-dressing, llama violence

Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even cupid. Just having a bit of fun.

Vince leaned over Howard and pointed out the taxi window.

"You reckon that's cupid?" he asked, in his 'girlish' voice. It wasn't very different from his regular voice.

"I don't think that's cupid, Vince. I think that is a crazy drunk in a diaper," Howard observed, "Cupid is meant to have a bow and quiver, not a jug of wine."

"Cupid could have fallen on hard times. It's hard to be romantic these days. Not like when you were young," Vince said, resting his head of Howard's shoulder, "You used to take girls to the soda jerk and have a milkshake with two straws. That's romance."

"I didn't grow up in the fifties!" Howard protested, "I'm the same age as you."

Vince frowned, "No way. I am not the same age as you. You're my sugar daddy. I'm your trophy girl."

Howard looked at Vince's oddly realistic décolletage, "You're certainly dressed for the part. How did you...? 

Howard gestured towards Vince's chest.

"Tape and silicon inserts! Mama Zoom gimme some tips."

"Mama Zoom is a drag queen?" Howard asked. Of all Vince's friends, Mama Zoom seemed the_ least_ likely to be a drag queen.

"What? Mama's bosoms are down to her waist, how could she be a man? You've gone wrong, Howard," Vince announced with concern, "Mama is a drag queen stylist. These tits are amazin'. Give'em a squeeze!"

Howard pulled back in horror, "I'm not going to squeeze anything on you, sir... Miss. I'm a gentleman, remember?"

"C'mon, Howard. I spent about an hour givin' myself a good feel-up this afternoon. They feel well real," Vince laughed and wrapped his arms around Howard's neck, "C'mon, we'll pretend to snog and you can check out Mama's handiwork."

Vince nuzzled his neck as Howard reluctantly fondled his best mate's chest. The false breasts were soft but firm. Howard decided he wanted a pillow made of similar material.

"Nice, innit?" Vince asked, "If I was a girl, I'd never get anything done."

"You don't get anything done now."

Vince pulled back and tossed his mane of curled, black hair, "I put this look together is one day. That is an accomplishment of epic proportions."

Howard reluctantly conceded his point. Vince had gone from Vampire chic androgyny to elegant femininity. As a woman, he was wearing less make-up than usual. His eyes were subtle and smoky, his lips were pouty and bright red.

"You really do look very pretty, Vince," Howard acknowledged.

Vince looked surprised for a moment before playing it off with a laugh, "I usually look like an ugly woman, it wasn't a big step to a pretty one."

_Vince was always touching him. Touching his arm, his side, even his thigh. Vince hugged him, tickled him, poked at his ribs and stood far too close. He was always in Howard's personal space and no amount of yelling, "Don't touch me!" would keep him at bay. Vince laughed and apologized but he never quit._

_Vince's hand closed over Howard's as he looked up with his big blue eyes._

_"I'm scared, Howard."_

_He was right to be scared. There was an overturned merchandise table between them and a very confused and emotional llama. _

_"It's fine Vince, there are plenty of ways to calm a llama down," Howard said with false confidence. Vince usually fell for an authoritative tone._

_"Calm a llama down? That sounds like a song," Vince said, a small smile forming, "Calm a llama down... calm a llama down... Deep down by the ocean, blue..."_

_Howard joined in, singing nonsense lyrics while Vince clutched his hand._

_The llama stopped his mad hoofing._

_"I think this llama is one of them animals what gets soothed by music," Vince whispered, "I'll keep singin' and you give'em the dart."_

_Before Howard could stop him, Vince was away and on the other side of the merchandise table, singing "Starman" to a mental llama. Howard got a dart off while the llama stared at Vince in confusion. _

_"Run!" Howard yelled, "Vince, run!" _

_Vince scrambled out the door with Howard on his heels. They held the door shut as the llama hoofed in vain before succumbing to the tranquilizer dart._

_"Well, done Mr. and Mrs. Moon," sneered Bambridge, "I guess it's all for the better that I didn't have to wrestle the animal into submission with my bare hands."_

_Howard flushed and tried to push Vince away but his young colleague was still clutching his arm, crying, "That was genius!"_

_Later, at the chip shop, Vince told the story to anyone who would listen. In Vince's version of the story, the llama not only broke free of it's enclosure and wandered into the gift shop - it wore a series of disguises and hoofed half of London before Howard single-handedly calmed him down with nothing but the authority in his creamy voice. _

Theodore's was packed but Vince's charm and cleavage soon found them a table near the kitchen.

"What should we get?" Vince asked with childlike excitement, "There ain't any prices on me menu! How are we meant to figure out what we can afford?'

"My menu has the prices," Howard explained, patiently, "The lady isn't meant to be bothered about the expense."

Vince giggles, "That's right, Sugar Daddy! I should have the lobster just 'cause I'm worth it."

Vince posed prettily and batted his long lashes.

"You could ease up on the lash batting," Howard suggested, "You were laying it on a bit heavy up there."

Howard gestured towards the Maitre D'.

"I got us a table, didn't I?"

"Flirting with the Maitre D', yes. I'm talking about you giving me your googley eyes," Howard snapped before doing his best impersonation of Vince. He tossed his hair and batted his eyes while craning his neck as though trying to make eye contact with a giant. "Whadja fink, 'oward?" he cooed in a high pitched voice.

Howard expected exasperation or feigned outrage but instead he was on the receiving end of the coldest stare he'd ever seen from Vince.

"I weren't doin' that."

Howard blushed and stared at his menu. Even with Vince eating free, it would not be an inexpensive meal, "Why don't you get the eggplant parmesan, Vince. I'm sure the eggs are freshly planted..."

Howard didn't dare look up from his menu to see if the old joke landed. He'd yelled at Vince a million times for looking at him "funny" when they'd started working together. It was hard enough to get people to take him seriously because of his age without Vince bouncing around him with his dyed hair, overly tight tee-shirts and calling everything "geeenius". All his efforts to be seen as a man were undermined by his association with real-life cartoon character, Vince Noir. Adding insult to injury, the only person who _did_ take Howard seriously was Vince. Vince, who stared up at Howard with unadulterated hero-worship and laughed too hard at all his jokes. Vince hung on Howard's every word but never did a thing he was told.

Vince never stopped looking up at Howard in his flirtatious way, Howard had just learned to ignore it the way he learned to ignore every reference to Vince being his wife or girlfriend.

Sitting in stony silence for the entire meal would probably add to the veracity of their disguise as an established, heterosexual couple. It would also make for a long dinner.

"I'm sorry, Vi-. I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I know you were just being friendly," Howard said, holding out the metaphorical olive branch.

Vince drained his complimentary glass of champagne and then dripped a little water onto his 'cleavage' before beckoning their waiter.

Vince brushed at his breasts as he explained he'd just spilled his champagne.

"Keep your eyes in your head, son," Howard warned the young waiter who stammered and blushed before running off to replace the champagne.

"Nice touch, Howard," Vince snickered, "You look like the jealous type with them shifty eyes. That'll come in handy if I end up having to snog a bus boy for another glass of champers."

Howard gave a nonchalant shrug, "What do you think it would take to get a couple of free desserts? You might want to keep the Eleanor incident in mind before you go counting on me to protect your virtue."

Vince quickly turned his guffaw into a girlish giggle, "I still don't understand how you got through that without losing your virginity. Or figuring out her gender."

"This is not good dinner conversation, sir... certainly. That is something I'd prefer to forget."

Vince scrutinized his menu until the waiter returned with two glasses of champagne "gratis".

"The jealousy act does work," Howard observed before taking a drink. The bubbles made his nose twitch.

"I did try," Vince announced, apropos of nothing.

"Tried what?"

"Actin' normal at school. I know you don't believe it, but I did try to fit in. It never worked for me any better than it did for you."

Vince's eyes were still fixed on the menu as he spoke.

Howard stared at his closest and truest friend and wondered if Vince was really planning to revisit a fifteen-year-old argument on Valentine's Day. He wondered if his 'date' had prepared for the role of 'wife' by studying the Moon family. If so, it was only a matter of time before Vince stormed off in tears (and snogged the busboy). If Howard was playing the role of his father, he was going to need something stronger than champagne and some fellow Yorkshiremen to make inexplicably prejudiced judgments against. Any garden variety racist can hate people from different backgrounds, the Moons had a long tradition of hating anyone not actually born in Leeds.

"I never said you didn't try," Howard said in what he hoped was a conciliatory tone. He had no idea if was telling the truth or not, he barely remembered the conversation.

Vince glared, perhaps Howard did say Vince never tried, but his face soon softened. 

"We shouldn't fight on Valentine's Day, that's not what this evening is supposed to be about," Vince said in a reasonable tone.

"What is this evening supposed to be about?"

"Free food," Vince spoke slowly as though addressing a simpleton, "And drinks!"


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupid

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language, referenced violence/domestic abuse, references to alcoholism, charlatanry

Pairing: Howard/Vince

Summary: Vince has a few tricks up his sleeve for free food and drinks, Howard is Howard

Author's note: I feel like I should try to finish the V-day fic by St. Patty's day! I'll do my best. Thanks for your patience, gentle readers.

Howard's palms were dripping with sweat, his carefully crafted speech smearing.

Vince tilted his head so that he had to look up at Howard even though they were both sitting down, his bright blue eyes were dancing with merriment.

When Howard met his eyes, Vince bashfully dropped his gaze.

Howard pulled the small presentation box from his pocket and dropped to one knee.

Vince squealed, "Oh my god, oh my good! What are you doing? Is this for real?"

Howard opened the box with trembling hands to reveal a silver band with a large, deep purple stone surrounded in small diamonds. There was a murkiness to the purple that made it appear as though a storm were brewing just beneath the surface.

"Vi-vian. Dearest, Vivian. The first time we met, I took you to task for lying about your age," Howard began. Vince gave him a playful slap on the shoulder and people at the surrounding tables chuckled.

It was working.

His quick recovery from his flub of Vince's name bolstered his confidence. He could do this. This was his chance to shine as an actor.

"I had never seen anyone who looked like you," Howard improvised, the speech written on his hand was smudged and unreadable. He had to think on his feet, "I couldn't stop staring at you."

Vince buried his face in his hands, as he cried, "Oh, Howard, Howard."

"I know that there have been misunderstandings along the way... There have been times when... When you felt like I was judging you or looking down on you..."

Vince was still the picture of a gushing soon-to-be fiancée but Howard could see the tension around his eyes and mouth. The tension was a warning but Howard pressed on.

"I know I should have said something that first day..." Howard faltered, wondering if Vince even remembered the first time he invited Howard out, "I'm just a bit slow. It never occurred to me that my opinion would matter to you. It never mattered to anyone else. It still doesn't."

Howard got a laugh on the last line and was feeling chuffed. It was so much easier to speak from the heart while in character. Vince's face was buried behind his hands and hair.

"Vi-v, you've made my life so much better in every way. I'm glad you dropped out of school, GCSEs aren't important, anyway," Howard said in a surprisingly confident voice, "Please say you'll make me the luckiest man alive."

_Everyone referred to Vince as Howard's wife. It made Howard self-conscious because he was nineteen and had never had a girl or boyfriend. He still hadn't had a proper kiss. He sometimes wondered about Vince but, in two years, Vince had only ever showed interest in girls. Girls were always flirting with Vince and asking if Howard was his dad._

_Vince continued to cling to Howard like a shadow with fright wig. He wanted to spend every minute at work with Howard. It was embarrassing and annoying but it was also flattering. Howard had always been an odd duck. Vince was his only real friend. Howard's flat mate, Leroy, was a nice guy but they didn't have much in common._

_And Leroy was always knicking his clothes._

_All he had was Vince and then Vince got a boyfriend._

_Vince said they were just flat mates, not a couple but Howard had seen them kiss and sometimes Vince came to work with love bites or light bruises on his wrists. Vince's boyfriend, James, was just a little taller than Howard, a little broader in the shoulder, a little leaner and from a better part of Leeds. He was also very good looking. It hurt a little, knowing Vince was interested in tall, Northern men but only if they were handsome. Or maybe they just couldn't be Howard._

_Vince stopped spending time with him at work and there were no more trips to the chip or ice cream shop._

_Everyone at the zoo referred to Vince as his "ex". It hurt because it felt true. He'd been completely replaced with a better version of himself. Howard meekly allowed Vince to disappear. _

_The day Vince came to work with a poorly hidden black eye, Howard was almost afraid to approach him. _

_"I'd hate to see the other guy," Howard joked, awkwardly._

_Vince gave a big smile, "Yeah, my eye really bruised his knuckles. I think I'll spend the day with the pandas, see if I can't get something started there..."_

_"Who hit you, Vince?" Howard asked, trying to use the old authoritative tone that had always worked on Vince, "Tell me and I'll take Bollo out on a lead and we'll tear him apart."_

_Vince laughed, "It was nothing. James thought I had some money but I didn't cause I had to pay his part of the rent cause he didn't have the money, it was just a misunderstanding."_

_"He punched you for not giving him money? That's not a misunderstanding, that's a violent assault," Howard clarified, forcing himself to maintain eye contact as he spoke. Vince's eyes began to fill with tears._

_"I don't know what to do, Howard. I'm scared of him. He's great when he's not drinking but, I don't know what to do. He gets so angry."_

_That night, they put Bollo on a lead and moved Vince's things into Howard's room. James didn't pose a threat but Howard made sure to point out that Bollo was very protective of Vince and capable of ripping a man's arm right off his body. He didn't know if that was true, he was more small mammals, but James looked worried._

_That night, they sat up late with Leroy, drinking beer. Vince was a light weight and Howard was glad the little man was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Any higher up and he'd be a danger to himself._

_Vince curled up in his blankets and giggled, "Leroy is well funny."_

_Howard was embarrassed that he hadn't really known how funny Leroy could be. He had learned more about his flat mate in one night than in the last year._

_"Thank you, Howard. You really saved my skin," Vince said in a small voice._

_"You should have told me sooner that he was... that he was hurting you."  
><em>

_"There was only one other time he got rough with me. He... we weren't a couple but... I did get off with him a few times."_

_Howard felt his face flush as unwanted images popped into his head. James holding Vince's arms above his head, leaving those faint bruises. Sucking on his pale neck._

_"I just didn't feel that way about him. I thought I could but I couldn't," Vince continued, quietly, "I didn't mean to hurt him."_

_"You can't make yourself have feelings for someone," Howard said gently, "You can't blame yourself for that."_

_Vince heaved a sigh, "I just don't like letting people down."_

_"I know, Little Man."_

_"I'm sorry I let you down."_

_Vince started to cry and all Howard could think to do was reach down and pat his head. Despite all his practice with his family, Howard was never good at talking to people when they were drunk. Drunk people had far too many emotions._

_"You didn't let me down, just get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."_

_Vince scrambled off his mattress and planted a sloppy, wet kiss on Howard's cheek, "Cheers, Howard. I'll be better from now on."_

_Howard wiped what he could only assume was a mixture of tears, saliva and snot off of his cheek, "I wouldn't worry about it. Get some sleep."_

Vince batted his hands as though to dry his tears. It was a BAFTA worthy performance.

"Oh, Howard. Yes! Of course, yes! I've waited for this day for so long."

The restaurant exploded in applause as Howard slid the ring on Vince's finger. He was about to stand up when Vince grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and pulled him in for a kiss.

That wasn't part of the plan.

Howard was awkwardly supporting himself on one knee as Vince gave him what could only be described as a passionate kiss. He thought Vince was using an awful lot of tongue for a post-engagement kiss but their audience was eating it up. Howard felt like he was on sitcom and someone was holding up the "catcalls" sign.

He was also feeling a bit warm under the collar.

Vince finally ended the kiss but didn't let Howard stand up until he planted a firm kiss of Howard's forehead and whispered, "I love you."

He was going for an Oscar as well.

It was a matter of minutes before a gratis bottle of champagne was delivered to their table and apparently two people had already offered to pay their dinner bill. Vince was, in fact, a genius.

Vince was clearly proud of himself as he repaired his make-up with a compact.

"Glad I wore waterproof mascara or I'd look like Alice Cooper 'bout now," Vince laughed. Howard forced a laugh as he watched Vince reapply his red lipstick. There was something about the Vince's lip tugged under the tube of lipstick that made Howard flush. It was just another fake kiss. A meaningless kiss between two friends.

Howard couldn't quite meet Vince's eyes so he stared at the ring on Vince's hand, hypnotized by the glitter of diamonds and the way the stone seemed to swirl with color like a living thing.

"Where did you get the ring?" Howard asked, quietly.

"From the Nabootique. Don't look so nervous, Howard! I'll return it before he even notices."


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupiscence

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language, violence, sappiness

Pairing: Vince/Howard

Summary: Vince wants to be in a park after dark, Howard is afraid of getting mugged

Author's note: The last PG chapter, I promise!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters and I would never try to make money off of them. I enjoy being poor.

Howard had been dreading what club Vince would suggest but the little man decided he wanted to go to a park. A park in the dark.

"Why don't I just mug you myself and we'll call it a night?" Howard suggested as a reasonable alternative.

Vince sighed, "You are soooo... what's the opposite of optimistic?"

"Pessimistic," Howard supplied.

"That. We're not gonna get mugged in the park and I want to ride the swings," Vince said cheerfully as he took Howard's hand, "Let's get a cab and go celebrate our engagement with this lovely bottle of champagne."

Vince held the bottle up to the light, "Moet and Chandon. Like the Queen song. Good stuff."

"We'll need a cork screw," Howard reminded him.

Vince held up his purse, "That's why I knicked one. I'll bring it back tomorrow."

xxx

Howard was hesitant but pushed Vince a little harder.

"Weee!" Vince cried as he sailed higher.

"Grown men don't say weeee. It's undignified," Howard gently scolded.

"Push me harder, I want to go higher," Vince wheedled, yet again.

"You'll fall and you'll get hurt, you're plenty high enough," Howard said firmly.

"You're so square you're like Pong. You are nothing but squares and oblongs."

"Rectangles," Howard corrected.

"Don't put on airs. You didn't do your GCSEs either. You're just as illiterate as I am."

Howard rewarded Vince with a powerful push, one that nearly knocked the man off his swing.

"Too high, Howard! Too high," Vince yelled, "You were right, slow me down!"

Howard grabbed at Vince's hips but only succeeded him in slowing him down a fraction. It took him three grabs to catch Vince proper and bringing him to a halt.

He belatedly realized he was holding Vince's false breasts and jumped back.

Vince laughed and grabbed one of Howard's hands, pulling it back to his chest, "They ain't real, Howard! I don't mind if you touch them. I would mind if they were real."

Howard blushed but let Vince pull his other hand to his chest. Vince was grinning and batting his eyelashes.

This was where Howard always got confused. How did people know which part of flirting was real and which part was just flirting? Vince was always making little comments like that but then he'd make a joke about Howard and things would go back to normal.

Howard pulled his hands back but Vince gripped his wrists, "Howard..."

"Hand over your wallet, purse and jewelry," commanded a deep voice from the shadows.

Howard's shoulders sagged, who could have predicted they'd get mugged in the park at night? Everyone. That's who.

xxx

_After moving in with Howard, Vince went through a series of new looks before settling on one he liked. He cut his hair ear length and died it black with bright red highlights. His only make-up was occasional eyeliner. Howard missed the candy floss hair and pretty lip glosses but, for the first time in two years, people forget to call Vince Howard's wife or girlfriend. Occasionally, he heard, "Where's your boyfriend, Vince?" but even that felt like in the right direction._

_The teasing about his "wife" stopped just in time for Howard because it was less than six months after Vince and Howard became flat mates that Mrs. Gideon began working at the zoo._

_The first time they met, she asked Howard to help her carry some books. She had cooed over his strength and called him handsome and dashing. When he asked her on a date, she pretended not to understand what he was saying. When he finally worked up the nerve to try and kiss her, she slapped and screamed that she was a married woman._

_Howard didn't know. He assumed she was a widow because of her flirtatious behavior with (and the complete lack of evidence of a husband). He felt guilty about his feelings but he also felt confused. Mrs. Gideon continued to send mixed messages, keeping him on the line but with no hope of so much as a kiss._

_He hesitantly asked Vince for advice. _

_Vince glanced up from his seed distribution and looked Howard in the eye, "Sometimes people just pretend to like people so they can get stuff. They aren't nice people. You should probably just stay away from Mrs. Gideon."_

_Howard wondered what James had done to make Vince so cynical. Sometimes he wondered if it wasn't a coincidence that James had so much in common with Howard. He wondered if Vince hadn't just been a little extra forgiving and patient with James' bad behavior because he reminded Vince of his real friend, Howard. It bothered Howard to be an accessory to manipulating Vince's generosity. _

_James had called several times, begging Vince's forgiveness. It was Leroy, older and wiser and in his early twenties, that put an end to James' calls with one eloquent lie, "You realize this kid is fifteen, right?" _

_So, Vince was feeling distrustful and Howard could understand that but he couldn't imagine Mrs. Gideon was intentionally leading him on. It was probably a misunderstanding._

_Howard was rushing back to the porpoise race after cleaning the cobra cage only to find the perpetually tardy Vince standing at the entrance to the pool with his arms crossed._

_"Howard! What are you doing? Quit doing her work for her..."_

_"Moon's in trouble with the missus again," Vic 'the Prick' from 'spikey, hurty animals' (part of Bob Fossil's new organizational system) called out, surrounded by his shiftless friends. _

_"Oh, fuck you, Vic," Vince snapped, bringing everyone in hearing range to a dead stop with his uncharacteristically harsh tone , "I don't even look like a girl any more and you're still giving Howard a hard time... You know we don't call you 'the Prick' because you work with porcupines, right? We call you that because you are one."_

_Vic put his hands up and Joey Moose piped in, "He was just having a laugh..."_

_"Well, I'm sick of it!" Vince yelled, his blue eyes narrowed in surprising anger, "Everyone is always having a laugh at Howard. Why? Cause he takes his job serious even though this zoo is a joke? Cause he's a real zoo keeper and not just someone Bob Fossil wants to bum? Or is it cause he's friends with me and no one should ever be friends with someone who looks different? I don't know why I ever gave a toss about what anyone here thinks. If the best you can do is make fun of Howard for being loyal and sticking with a friend even if he's... Well, good for you for finding a way to look down on someone cause he's better than you."_

_Vince gave a two fingered salute into the air and stormed into the porpoise pool with a nervous Howard on his heels._

_Howard had never seen Vince really angry before and was unnerved. He kept his distance as they changed into their swim gear. As he followed Vince, who was still more storming than walking, out to the starting line, he worked up the nerve to say, "Thank you."_

_Vince stopped in his tracks but didn't look back._

_"Thanks for, you know, standing up for me and I'm sorry I didn't... I should have told them all off a long time ago for being rude to you..."_

_"Howard, I don't wear make-up cause it upsets me to be called a bender and bein' friends with me is standin' up for me," Vince explained quietly before giving Howard a fierce but brief hug. _

_Howard fell off his porpoise, "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" almost immediately while Vince easily won riding "The third blond girl on Three's Company". To celebrate his win, Howard bought and sewed a KISS army patch onto Vince's zoo keeper jacket. Howard wasn't much for gestures but Vince seemed to understand. _

xxx

Howard tossed over his wallet and Vince followed with his purse.

"Aw, Howard, I'm sorry. You were right," Vince apologized.

"Throw over the ring!' the man in the ski mask yelled as he stepped out of the shadows. His knife was glinting in the moonlight. He was a portly man speaking with what had to be the worst fake English accent Howard had ever heard.

"This ring ain't mine, I can't give it to you," Vince explained, putting his hand behind his back.

"I said, hand it over, doll face."

The man was moving towards them.

"Give him the ring!" Howard hissed.

"I can't give over something of Naboo's! It could be dangerous," Vince explained before turning to the mugger, "It belongs to a shaman so it could be cursed or anything. It's too dangerous."

"Then why are you wearing it on your delicate, little hand, sweetheart?"

"Nothing bad ever happens to me, I'm just lucky I guess," Vince explained, "Tell him, Howard."

"It's true, he has absurdly good luck," Howard confirmed.

"I don't care if ya shit four leaf clovers, darlin', hand over the ring!"

The man lunged at Vince who pulled back, loudly smacking his hand off of the metal swing set.

"Dammit," Vince cursed, "The ring broke! Naboo's gonna kill me..."

The mugger was reaching for Vince with his empty hand so Howard grabbed his other hand, the one with the knife, with both hands and pulled down, knocking them both to the ground.

In the seconds it took to fall, Howard realized he was currently engaged in hand to hand combat with a an armed man. That could not bode well for Howard.

The plea for his life was on his lips when the muggers eyes widened in shock and he whispered, "It's you."

"Me? No. I am not... not anyone," Howard explained as he scurried away.

The mugger was climbing to his feet, "It's you that I've waited for. You are the one I am meant to be with forever..."

"I'm flattered, truly," Howard sputtered, "but I'm already engaged to this beautiful, beautiful lady."

The man handed them back their possessions and apologized.

"It's been a bad day for me," the mugger explained, "I know that's no excuse but the bills were stacking up even before Christmas and the missus was on me... You know what? None of this is your problem, darling. I'm going to talk to my uncle, get that job at the bank. Work my way up to the top and rob those bitches blind! Then and only then will I be ready to give you what you so richly deserve, my love."

Howard whimpered in fear as he was pulled down for a gentle kiss on the lips.

"I'll come back for you!" the mugger yelled as he ran away into the night.

Howard wiped his lips clean. First kiss: lunatic/long time friend on the roof top under the threat of be-heading. Second kiss; lunatic/mugger/probably a murder in a children's park under threat of stabbing. What would be next in his romantic calendar? A snog with typhoid Annie?

"Wow, Howard. You really charmed him! I must be rubbing off on you," Vince said with a laugh, as he took Howard's arm, "You're on fire tonight. Everyone is falling in love with you."

Howard looked down into Vince's oversized and excessively blue eyes.

"Wanna go make out a little?" Vince whispered, wrapping his arms around Howard's neck.

Howard hesitated, again confused by Vince's flirting. Normally, Vince flirted the way a man flirts: by lying and exaggerating. In Howard's experience, women flirted by pretending to be willing to do things as long as the man completed a series of expected tasks (i.e. "I _might _be able to have dinner if someone painted my kitchen..."). The offer of a grope session in a park didn't quite fit in either category.

Vince's hands were on his chest and his head was tilted back.

As Howard closed the space between them, he whispered, "Don't laugh."

Vince obliged.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Howard/Vince

Rating: R

Warning: language, minor angst, public groping and sex

Summary: Howard takes Vince up on his offer.

Author's note: Overnight shift = time to write fanfic!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mighty Boosh or any of the characters. This story is for my entertainment and the dubious entertainment of others.

Howard opened his mouth for Vince's tongue but this time the younger man just nibbled at his lower lip, his kisses less devouring without an audience Howard hesitantly ran his tongue along Vince's upper lip. If Vince laughed, he would turn and run. He'd keep running until he found a place to set up a new life with a new name.

Vince's increasingly familiar tongue was in his mouth and Vince's fingers were tangled in his hair.

"Ouch," Howard cried as his hair was sharply tugged.

"Sorry, your hair caught in my ring, I'll take it off."

Howard watched as Vince pulled off the ring. The jewel had shattered and appeared to have been hollow.

"Was there something in that stone?" Howard asked, feeling nervous for far too many.

reasons.

Vince wrinkled his forehead, "Yeah. Like a perfume or something. It was liquid. It smells good."

Vince held his wrist up to Howard's nose. It did smell good. He kissed Vince's wrist and the pale inside of his elbow and his bony shoulder and his fake cleavage and the hollow of his neck...

"Howard," Vince whispered, "S'nice."

Howard wrapped his arms around Vince and held him close, his hardness pressing against Vince's belly. It was terrifying. He moved his hand from Vince's slim waist towards his lovely arse.

Vince giggled.

"I said, don't laugh," Howard admonished, moving his hand back north.

Vince put Howard's hand firmly on his rear, "I'm not gonna laugh at you, Howard. I just feel so..."

Vince lowered his head, his dark curls hiding his face.

"You really do look beautiful," Howard said, his voice cracking with nerves as he stared at his shoes, his hand still resting on Vince's arse.

"I feel a little shy," Vince admitted quietly, "Let's get back to snogging. Talking is rubbish.

xxx

_"And no rollnecks!" Vince ordered, "My other friends are going to be there and I don't want them thinking you're my dad. You're clothing sense is embarassin'."_

_Howard's cheeks filled with heat and he tried to keep his back to the younger man. He hadn't wanted to go out in the first place. He knew he wouldn't fit in with Vince's friends. They'd all know how to dress cool and dance and talk to girls. He was better off just staying in. It was Vince who insisted he needed to get out of the flat and spend time with people his own age. _

_"I'm just joking, Howard," Vince said as he approached Howard, "Wear what you want. I like your rollnecks. They make you look sexy in a brainy way."_

_Howard flinched at the flirtatious comment. Vince was going through a rather glam fad at the moment. His hair was enormous with pink streaks and he wore an absurd amount of glittery make-up, even to work. Howard outwardly approved of every look, even if Vince looked like a clown hooker, lest his friend ever feel the need to tone himself down on Howard's behalf again. After Howard added the (against regulations) KISS army patch to Vince's jacket, the younger man had gone mad detailing the jacket. It was now barely recognizable as a uniform. Howard was jealous but he didn't dare try to do something similar. He didn't have Vince's eye or Vince's confidence. It was enough to have a peacock for a best mate. Vince was his outlandish accessory. _

_Vince was still working out his "persona" (Vince's word). He was trying to strike a balance between his general sweetness and his tougher, more pointed sense of humor. Knowing that Vince was joking didn't stop Howard from being crushed by his casual comments. Vince always managed to zone into the heart of Howard's insecurities with his teasing statements. Howard was boring, Howard was weird, Howard couldn't talk to girls and Howard didn't have any friends outside of Vince. _

_Vince wrapped his arms around Howard, "I'm sorry, Howard. I don't know why you worry so much about what other people think. Being different is what makes you cool."_

_"Of course, it does," Howard said with bravado he didn't feel, "I'm a maverick."_

_"A jazz maverick," Vince corrected._

_Howard liked the sound of that._

_xxx_

_It was nearly impossible to hurt Vince's feelings. It wasn't that he lacked insecurities, he simply had such a positive outlook that he never assumed anyone was being unkind. He always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt while Howard expected to be treated poorly. The one time Vince had really gotten angry with Howard, Howard had been teasing him about his hair and make-up like he always did. He called him a fop and French duke but he also helped him put in his highlights and bought him an actual feather boa when he saw one at a second hand shop. _

_"I tried to fit it an school," Vince explained as they cut up a fruit salad for the prima donna gorilla, Bollo, "It never worked."_

_"Did you try not wearing make-up or maybe not doing your hair like Farrah faucet?"_

_Vince told him to go to hell and stormed off. Howard couldn't find him for the rest of the day and had to take public transport on his own. Everything was uglier and scarier without Vince's chatter and he spent the whole trip expecting to get mugged. It was like he'd gone back in time to before Vince had become his friend._

_Leroy had only recently moved out because of he had a new girl. The flat seemed huge and lonely. Howard wrote a note and left it on Vince's bed before turning in for the night.._

Dear Vince,

I am sorry I hurt your feelings earlier. You must know I never meant to upset you. I spent all of my school years trying to fit in and it never worked. I've never fit in but everybody loves you. The kids in your school were just too boring to appreciate your look.

Again, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

Sincerely,

Howard T.J. Moon

_He listened for Vince to come home, it was well after midnight. _

_He listened as his flat mate got a drink and took a shower. He had nearly drifted off, relieved that Vince had returned, when his bedroom door opened._

_"Howard?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_Vince crawled into bed next to Howard and wrapped himself around Howard's back, "You're my best mate, Howard."_

_Howard hadn't yet learned to fill those awkward silences so they just lay in silence._

_"We can be friends even when we're mad at each other," Vince added._

_"I know that," Howard snapped._

_"I don't think you do," Vince said quietly._

_They lay in silence in the dark. Howard was equal parts hopeful and terrified that Vince might make a move on him. As much as he felt attracted to Vince, who wasn't attracted to Vince?, he was also afraid of the younger man who had so much power to shake his already shaky confidence. If things went badly, if Vince rejected him or laughed at him..._

_It was too much to contemplate. He was relieved when Vince planted a kiss on his shoulder and headed back to his own room._

_He was also disappointed. In the absence of Vince, his bed suddenly seemed very large and lonely._

xxx

Vince's hands were at Howard's belt and Howard could barely breathe.

"It's okay, Howard," Vince whispered as open his trousers and slid a hand down the front of Howard's pants, "Just let me do all the work."

Howard whimpered as Vince's fingers wrapped around his cock.

Vince laughed, "S'good? D'ja like it?"

Howard nodded but kept his eyes screwed shut but nodded. Vince was stroking him with long, slow movements, running his thumb across his sensitive head.

"Open your eyes," Vince had to get on tip-toe to whisper the words into Howard's ear.

Howard obeyed and found himself looking down Vince's dress, his fake breasts moving with each stroke of his hand. Howard closed his eyes again.

Vince kissed him again. It seemed like a lot to keep track of, not drooling on Vince's chin AND not coming in his hand AND listening for the next mugger. Sex was just as complicated as he had anticipated.

Vince's hand was moving faster and Howard was frozen in place, his hands digging into Vince's rear as he tried not to let it end too quickly. Vince was kissing his cheek and neck, sucking on his earlobe and otherwise filling Howard's consciousness with his beauty. He tried to grab Vince's hand in time but his orgasm snuck up on him. Just when he thought he was in control, he was letting out a strange and strangled noise as he came on both of their hands. Vince kept his hand where it was and whispered, "I love you, Howard."

Howard fumbled for a handkerchief and did his best to clean Vince's hand, knowing his fastidious attention to cleaning Vince's hand was saying more about his feelings that he was capable of articulating. His feelings always seemed to be on display while Vince was so good and picking and choosing his moments.

Once Vince's hand was relatively clean, Howard pressed a kiss to his palm. Vince sighed. Somehow that sigh seemed more intimate than anything else that had just transpired between them.

Vince had said everyone was falling in love with Howard that night when it had only been that near-mugger.

Howard turned Vince's hand and kissed the back of it, inhaling a musky perfume.

His brain was saturated with unfamiliar hormones but an idea was tickling the edge of his consciousness. The mugger had taken one good look at Howard and fallen in love. Vince had just given him a hand job and a dreamy sigh.

Vince's ring was hollow and filled with a perfumed liquid.

Vince's ring was from the Nabootique.

Vince was trying to kiss him again but Howard turned his head.

"What's wrong, Howard? Don't... Tell me what's wrong, okay? There's nothing to be upset about, I'm not asking you to do anything or say anything..."

Vince's eyes were full of so much concern, Howard's heart felt ready to break.

"The ring, I think that might have been a potion," Howard explained, not quite ready to let go of Vince's hand.

"Hey!" yelled a voice in the dark.

Howard scrambled to do up his trousers while Vince swore.

It was the man they'd seen earlier in the street. The weirdo in a diaper.

"Who the fuck is using my love potion?" the man demanded, "That shit ain't for mortals. I am so fucking sick of you mortals playing with fate. Do you have any idea how long it takes to make a love potion? It requires unicorn tears. Have the two of you ever tried to make a unicorn cry? I showed Terms of Endearment to a unicorn. Nothing! Dry eyes through the whole thing. I ended up just peeling onions."

Howard felt queasy. He wasn't ready for a wacky adventure. He was still a little buzzed from the free drinks and the...

The Vince.

Vince's eyes were like saucers and full of excitement.

"I knew it! You are Cupid!"

Cupid rolled his eyes, "In the flesh. Now how did you two losers get your grimy little hands on my potion?"


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupid

Rating: R

Warnings: rude language and mild homophobia, Oedipal complex, not enough sexy times, angst

Summary: Cupid is kind of a dick.

Author's Note: Ack! I could either rush the smut or give in and write another chapter. This will be a six parter. Still, that's pretty short for me!

Disclaimer: Just borrowing the characters until they make a movie.

Howard clutched Vince's perfumed hand, willing the potion to dissipate. Cupid was glaring at them.

Cupid rolled his eyes, "Let me guess, Big Man won't leave his wife for a tranny so you got a hold of some love potion..."

"I didn't know what it was. I just borrowed the ring from my friend's shop," Vince explained, "But the stone broke when we got mugged and the potion spilled."

"Well, that's just great. That was enough love potion for the whole of South London spilled on the ground. Now every kid that sneaks out here to shag or smoke pot is going to end up in love..."

"It's on his skin," Howard said, holding out Vince's perfumed hand, "Is he going to be okay? Is there an antidote? Will it wash off?"

Cupid smirked at Vince, "Oi. Careful what you wish for, eh? Relax, Casanova. It's meant to be injected into the blood stream with an arrow. Once he washes his hand, he'll cease to cast his spell on strangers but you, my man, are well fucked. You've inhaled a shit load."

"How long will the effects last?" Vince asked, staring at his hand wrapped in Howard's, "Hours, days...?"

"Listen, RuPaul, this is the real shit. UNICORN TEARS! Applied properly, it never fades. Inhaling... It could be months or even years."

Vince rested his head on Howard's chest, Howard instinctively wrapped his arms around the smaller man.

"Oh, Howard," Vince said sadly.

"It's all right, Little Man. You'll be fine," Howard assured, stroking Vince's soft curls. Dressed as a woman, Vince had used far less hair product than usual and his hair was soft and sweet smelling.

"Well, if you guys wanna suck each other's cocks, I guess I'll just take care of this huge fucking disaster myself. The one you guys created but, whatever. Leave it all to me. I'm the man in the nappy after all," Cupid snapped while pulling a mobile out of his diaper.

"Where are your arrows?" Vince asked, out of the blue.

Cupid looked up from his mobile, "Arrows? You ever try to walk around Camden with a fucking quiver? The coppers are all over my ass. I've had to go to blow darts. Love is a fucking joke these days. Not like when you were young."

Howard frowned at Cupid's pointed look but he wasn't in the mood to argue about his relative youth, "What are we going to do about Vince? There must be some way to undo this."

"Look, I already told you: he needs to take a shower and move on with his life. It's that simple. In the meantime, keep him away from other people or the two of you will have half the city in love with you."

"Both of us?" Howard asked, pulling Vince as close as possible lest a stranger wander by, "It's only on Vince's skin."

"It's being administered nasally, that means by smelling. Get it? Up the nose? Anyone who smells it is going to fall in love with the next person they see and I'm pretty sure people are going to be looking at the two of you. By the way, I know those are fake tits but they look really good," Cupid added with a leer, "Aphrodite would be jealous of that rack."

"Isn't she your mother?" Howard asked, wishing he could hold Vince tighter without cracking the man's ribs.

"You don't know me!" Cupid yelled, "Now piss off and let me get a clean up team in here. Fucking mortals."

xxx

Vince scrubbed his skin in a water fountain. Howard had some anti-bacterial soap on him and, for once, Vince made no jokes about Howard's germophobia.

Vince's skin was pink and raw but the scent of the love potion lingered.

"Come on, Little Man, we'll just get you home as quick as possible. Here," Howard pulled off his blazer, "Wear this to cover your arms. We'll take a cab and be home in no time. I'll draw you a nice bath..."

Vince slumped sadly as Howard held out his jacked, "I'm sorry, Howard."

Howard wrapped Vince up tightly, "It isn't your fault, Vince. Don't be upset. It isn't like half the people who see you don't already fall in love with you. Vince, the confuser."

Vince didn't crack a smile, he just rested his head on Howard's chest and sighed.

"What are we going to do, Howard?" Vince asked in a small voice.

"Whatever you want, Vince."

xxx

_Howard never stopped harboring a crush on Mrs. Gideon but he kept his distance until Mr. Gideon went missing. He approached her awkwardly and mumbled that he was sorry and hoped he returned quickly. Mrs. Gideon threw herself into his arms and held on long after Howard began to feel completely uncomfortable. She didn't say a word and shushed Howard when he tried to pull out the usual comforting clichés._

_She didn't say a word or let go until Vince came bursting into the keeper hut, "Hey, Howard! Tony the prawn has gone wrong! Oh, sorry..."_

_Mrs. Gideon pulled herself together quickly, "Excuse me, Vince. I was just... Howard was just..."_

_Then she walked away, never acknowledging Howard again._

_Howard felt sad as he watched her walk away. He'd always assumed she didn't feel much for her husband, but now he wondered if she flirted with other men out of loneliness. Howard knew how it felt to be lonely even when you hardly ever alone._

_"Howard... He's only been missing a week."_

_Vince's gentle tone softened the accusation but Howard flushed guiltily. _

_"You don't know what you're talking about," Howard snapped, unable to meet Vince's eyes._

_"Howard, I know you don't know much about this stuff..."_

_"Piss off," Howard yelled, pushing past Vince and out of the hut. The last thing he needed was one more lecture from Vince about all the things Howard didn't understand about sex and love._

_xxx_

_They pretended the exchange never happened. They were getting good at that. Howard's virginity was an elephant in the room for so long, it had started to blend in with the decor. _

_Howard wanted to talk to Vince about Mrs. Gideon but he was increasingly self-conscious about his lack of experience. He'd tried dropping a few hints to Vince that he was interested in something more than friendship but Vince always laughed him off. Howard could never be sure if he was being rejected or if Vince really thought he was joking. Ultimately, Vince knew how to pull and if he was interested in Howard, he wouldn't be a twenty-two year old who had yet to experience a proper kiss. _

_Howard held his tongue with Vince and gave Mrs. Gideon her space. He tried taking Vince's advice and asking girls questions to find out what they were interested in. It turned out, they all seemed to be interested in talking about Vince._

_xxx_

_Howard only returned to Leeds for special occasions. This time, he was to be a pall bearer for one of his aunts. She had requested him specifically because she only wanted tall people carrying her casket. Aunt Edna hated short people. And black people. And "gypsies and benders". It was always the damned gypsies and benders as though the two groups had formed a well-known alliance. In a subtle act of defiance, Howard made a point of checking out the arse of the man in front of him. It was the arse of portly racist from Aunt Edna's prayer group but Howard felt he'd made his point. He was supposed to stay for a week. He managed three days. Before leaving, he bought Vince a silk head scarf and some bangles. He thought Vince could pull off a gypsy look._

_He tried to give Vince a call to warn him he'd be returning early but Vince's phone was apparently off. Howard was cautious as he entered the apartment lest he find Vince en flagrante, taking advantage of having the flat to himself. _

_Instead he found James. Howard threw his luggage at the man's head and yelled, "Run!" Instead of fleeing, Vince chewing his thumbnail and hid behind his fringe._

_James quickly retreated, having the decency to look embarrassed. He had grown a mustache since the last time Howard had seen him. Howard wanted to rip it off of his face._

_"What was he doing here? Did he turn off your phone? I'll get Bollo right now..."_

_"I ran into him and invited him over. It's fine, Howard," Vince explained, his face beet red, "He's been sober for a year now and he wanted to apologize..."_

_"For beating you up and taking your money and using you? Well, as long as he's sorry!"_

_"He was going through a rough time. He was never all bad..."_

_"He isn't me, Vince! He can grow a mustache and pretend to be your friend but just cause he's tall and Northern doesn't make him me!" Howard yelled, still full of adrenaline. The idea of that man in his home, with his Vince..._

_"It ain't like that!" Vince yelled back, "He's nothing like you. He don't even look like you!"_

_Howard sniffed at the last comment, "I know what he looks like, Little Man."_

_He had just shut the door to his bedroom when he heard a thump, probably his luggage hitting the door and a shrill, "Go back to Leeds you big.. stupid... freak!"_

_Howard covered his head and waited for the yelling to stop._

_It was like being back home with his family._

_xxx_

_Vince looked less like a gypsy than a pirate but Howard was glad to see him wearing the scarf and bangles. They never talked about the fight, James or the love bites on Vince's neck._

xxx

Howard couldn't stop touching Vince, wanting to physically protect him from the effects of the potion. He didn't try an funny business, he just held Vince close and compulsively covered his hand. Vince was quiet and allowed himself to be coddled but kept his hands to himself. It was a strange role reversal.

The cab driver took a shine to both of them and tried for the cab ride three-way. He didn't seem at all put off when Vince mentioned he was a man.

Howard put a kettle on and drew Vince a warm bath and filled the water with perfumed bath salts and oils.

"Oi, Howard, bit strong," Vince teased, "It's love potion, not a skunk attack. Can you undo my zip?"

Vince turned his back to Howard whose fingers seemed to double in size as he tried to work the delicate zipper. The zipper seemed to extend far lower than strictly necessary and Howard flushed at the sight of Vince's red, lace bra strap and the top of the matching knickers.

"Very festive," Howard observed, his comic tone undermined by his cracking voice.

Vince suddenly turned around, nearly knocking Howard over in the process. He was holding his dress in place, with both hands.

"Howard, please look me in the eye. Just this once."

Howard was having trouble not staring at Vince's bare shoulders, shoulders he'd seen many times before but that had never before seemed so exposed.

"Please, Howard."

Howard locked on to the saucer like blue eyes, "Yes, Vince?"

"He said the effects could last for years. What are we going to do?"

Howard looked at his feet, "Like I said before, whatever you want to do."

As soon as Vince's lips touched his, Howard forgot about everything else. The red dress fell to the floor as Howard kissed every available inch of skin. He was working his way down Vince's flat stomach when the younger man pulled away.

"Howard, I'm kind of... taped in place and everything."

Howard fumbled with the bra clasp and flinched as Vince removed the tape creating his cleavage. He kissed the reddened skin and the dark nipples he so often saw peeking out of jumpsuits. He fumbled with Vince's knickers and, again winced as Vince removed the tape that had made his costume so convincing. Howard dropped to his knees as Vince leaned against the sink and kissed his friend's stomach and bare thighs. He could see Vince becoming more aroused as he planted his kisses nearer and nearer to his final destination. When he finally dared a kiss... there, Vince pulled away.

"Howard, just tell me you're sure this is what you want," Vince sounded desperate, "I really need to hear you say you want this."

Howard hung his head as his face went red. He kept going through the logic in his mind. If Vince were under the influence of a love potion but _knew_ he was under the influence then it meant Vince didn't mind... unless the love potion made him not mind when he normally would have minded...

Vince jumped into the bathtub, submerging himself completely. He can up for air and doused himself in soaps and shampoos. Howard tried to stay back but he ended up on the edge of the tub, washing Vince's wrist himself.

"You're killing me, Howard," Vince mumbled into Howard's shoulder, "Why are you being so sweet with me?"

"Because I love you," Howard said, surprising himself, "Because I didn't think the love potion affected me but it did because I feel totally fine telling you I love you."

"Howard, it's just the potion..."

"No, I've always loved you but now, now it physically hurts to try and hide it. I love you and I want to... I want to make love to you but only if that's what you want, too."

"Howard," Vince sighed as he brushed the wet black hair from his face, "That's what I've wanted since the first time we met, ya berk."


	7. Chapter 7

Title: The Cupid of Camden

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Howard/Vince

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: a little angst, fairly graphic sex, swearing, referenced violence, sappiness

Summary: Bath tub confessions and, you know, bath tub times!

Author's note: This should be two chapters but I couldn't find a natural breaking point and my brain will break if I don't post this today so, here it is! Thanks for your patience, gentle readers.

Howard nearly strangled himself with his own rollneck. Getting out of his clothing seemed a Herculean task made all the more difficult by Vince's unblinking stare.

There was no reason to be self-conscious, it wasn't like Vince had never seen him in his pants before. They'd had a Satsuma fight only the week earlier.

"Howard?"

Howard stopped in the middle of pulling off a sock, "What is it? Have you changed your mind? That's fine. I left the kettle on..."

Howard ran to the kitchen while Vince yelled a combination of requests to return and assorted insults.

Howard turned off the kettle. This was happening. Vince wanted this.

Vince said he'd always wanted this.

"Howard, please come back, ya big, stupid berk! Seriously, Howard. Come back so we can talk... or I'm coming out there all wet and naked to beat you senseless with your own shoe, you small-eyed bastard!"

Once again, Vince was sending him mixed signals.

Howard sheepishly poked his head back into the bathroom, Vince was resting his chin on the edge of the oversized tub. His make-up was smeared and his black hair clung to his face. He looked like a drowned rat with great big, blue eyes. A drowned rat by Walt Disney.

"Don't leave again," Vince ordered in a pouty voice.

"I won't. Turned the stove off. I am ready for... a bath," Howard assured him. He was still wearing one sock, his vest and pants. He pulled off the sock.

"Howard?"

"Yeah?" Howard asked, really trying to focus on the sock. It was looking a bit worn, he might want to buy new ones...

"You look good," Vince said quietly as Howard pulled his vest off over his head, "I'm not good with words but, I don't want you to think that you don't look good. Because you do."

Howard kicked off his pants and climbed in the tub, not actually touching Vince in any way and staring in the opposite direction, his arms wrapped protectively across his chest. Even Howard knew he was doing everything wrong, you were meant to look at someone when you wanted sex. The tub was one of those Jacuzzi types that belonged in a whore house or in America. Normally, Howard thought it was gaudy and excessive. Right now, he was grateful for the extra room.

"It weren't a plan or nothin'," Vince said quietly, "The dress and the drinks and the proposal and the snogging in the restaurant, oh, and the snogging in the park: _that_ were all a plan but not the love potion. I just grabbed the first ring that fit me."

"Vince, I never thought you were trying to pull something," Howard sighed, "You're being silly."

"I thought if I dressed all the way like a girl and you had some drinks and then gave a speech about loving me and then we snogged that maybe you'd want to..."

"Take a bath with you?" Howard deadpanned, receiving a splash in return.

"I always fancied you, you know?" Vince chuckled, his eyes fixed straight ahead, "Right from when I first saw you and you looked at me like I just crawled out from under a rock. I just wanted you to smile at me. I remember bein' really afraid of getting off with a guy back then but I decided I would go home with you that night if it meant you would like me. Why do you think I felt like that when I didn't even know you?"

"A brain aneurism?" Howard suggested, only half-joking.

Vince nudged Howard with his elbow, "You let me take you for ice cream. You must have liked me a little."

"I liked you a little," Howard agreed, Vince had never seemed so... close. No one had ever been that close, "I thought you were pretty and funny."

"Did you wish I was a girl?" Vince asked as his hand covered Howard's.

Howard shook his head no. He was staring at the wall, unable to even look in Vince's direction.

"Did you like boys? Did you ever think about boys like that?"

Howard nodded.

"You did not!" Vince cried, "You were so straight, you made rulers look slouchy and unreliable. You never looked at a boy before me."

Howard smiled, "There was a boy at school when I was fourteen. I guess he fancied me and he tried to kiss me..."

"I'm NOT the first guy to come after your hot pumpkin ass?" Vince asked with sincere surprise, "The world has gone wrong, Howard."

"I ran away. Literally, ran away from him and hid in my room and worried all night."

Vince laughed and rested his head on Howard's shoulder, "What happened after that?"

"He told everyone at school that I tried to get off with him."

It hurt to talk about but it was an old, reasonably well-healed wound. Barely a dull ache in his chest.

"Why would he do that?" Vince asked with his usual wide-eyed naivety before realization dawned, "Oh. Oh! What a wanker! You wouldn't've told no one."

"He was scared. He was scared of what would happen if I told so he..."

"Threw you under the bus?"

"More or less," Howard sighed, "It was a long time ago..."

"Did you get hassled?" Vince had moved in front of Howard, making it hard not to meet his eyes. He glanced at Vince's naked form, barely concealed with bubbles.

Vince is already tracing one of the thin scars on his shoulder, his forehead creased in concentration.

"I got 'hassled'. I dropped out after that," he decided to skip over his father's reaction, "and I went to work at the zoo with the fake birth certificate I spent _weeks_ on and on which I did not use crayon..."

Vince laughed, "I thought you were so smart and mature. I never thought you were just another punk like me."

Howard's eyes didn't know where to look. Vince was really rather close.

Vince leaned in closer, until Howard could feel his breath on his face.

"There's a scar under your mustache. Is that why you grew it?"

Howard nodded slowly, time seemed to be slowing down.

Vince's lips closed over his in a gentle and chaste kiss.

"You wanna put Bollo on a lead and we'll go track this guy down?" Vince suggested with wink.

"He was just a kid, a scared kid. We'll save Bollo for James."

Vince's shoulders slumped, "Let's not talk about that."

Howard nodded in agreement. He didn't really want to remember handsome James with his apparently zero percent body fat.

"It wasn't like Cupid said..."

"I never thought... Don't worry about Cupid, he's a prinkle."

"You can't say that about Cupid!" Vince cried, "Howard! One arrow in the bum and you'll be trying to get off with Bob Fossil. You can't be vexing Cupid."

Howard wondered if it was possible to go just a little redder...

"I never done that either," Vince offered.

"Vexed Cupid?"

"Bummin'. I know you probably think..."

Vince was cut off my Howard's mouth being jammed against his. It was less of a kiss than collision of lips but, as with his jacket, Vince knew how to turn it into something beautiful. Howard was just getting the hang of breathing through his nose while his mouth was occupied when Vince took things a big step forward. It was the second time that night Vince's hand had been on his cock and yet it was almost his instantaneous undoing.

Howard gripped Vince's hand in place, "I'm sorry, Little Man, I don't think this is going to be very interesting for you..."

Vince kissed the scar under Howard's chin, "S'all right, Howard. It ain't a contest."

Vince's hand began to move again and Howard tried to think of the Human League.

"'Sides," Vince added, "It's sexy to see you come... oh."

Howard was as shocked as Vince by just how quickly he lost control. He was getting worse with practice. He closed his eyes, waited for Vince to stop giggling, and mumbled some vague apologies.

"Don't be sorry, Howard. It's so nice to have you..." Vince descended into a fit of giggles as he pressed his forehead to Howard's, "I makes me nervous to talk like this! I'm not good at serious talk. It makes me go red. I can't be romantic the way you want. I'm sorry 'bout that but I do care, you know. I do feel that."

Howard's brain was sluggish and Vince was talking so fast. He wrapped his arms around Vince and pulled his slight frame into a tight hug. It forced Vince to straddle Howard awkwardly but it felt good to be so close and, this way, he didn't have to actually look at Vince. Eye contact is difficult enough for Howard on a regular basis but now? He was going to end up like Lester, pretending to be blind so he can wear dark glasses indoors.

"What would you... Just tell me what to do, Little Man."

All he could see was Vince's neck and back (and an occasional glimpse of arse) but he could see that neck going red. Vince didn't answer but he pulled away enough to root through a drawer near the tub and eventually held up some petroleum jelly.

Howard tried to take deep breath but all he could manage was a wheeze. He relaxed a tiny bit when he realized Vince is using the lubricant on himself.

Then he thought about what Vince wanted from him and all the ways he could fail.

"James always wanted to but... I couldn't trust him. Sometimes he was rough, you know? He was always sayin' it would be like it was y..." Vince stopped short, looking embarrassed but then he sighed, "You know, right? You know James was... once he saw you and... I was stupid, Howard. I'm sorry."

Howard needed a map to follow Vince's ellipses but he was starting to get the picture. James had manipulated Vince with his superficial resemblance to Howard, it just wasn't quite the way Howard had imagined. It was a thought far too big too fit inside the bath tub, one that Howard would have to revisit at a quieter time.

Howard held Vince, lightly, as Vince continued his awkward preparations. There was no way he was asking - he couldn't use any of the appropriate terminology without immediately leaving the country and starting life anew - so he opted to be a man of action. He gently batted Vince's hand away. Vince went tense in his arms as Howard took a generous amount of petroleum jelly and reached below the water.

The muscles were disturbingly tight. It was a job to get one finger inside but the shuddery sigh he got from Vince made it time well spent. He moved his digit slowly, in and out, until Vince's body felt a little more welcoming. Vince told him when to add a second finger, and a third.

"Twist them 'round a bit," Vince whispered between kisses, his voice all shuddery and deep. Howard happily followed every request. He couldn't be sure if it had been ten minutes or an hour but it was more than long enough for him to be hard again. Hard and hopefully ready for a more impressive performance.

"Kay, Howard? Are you ready?"

Howard nodded but as Vince began lowering himself, it was clear he had been very wrong. He would never be ready for this. Vince was wide-eyed, his mouth hanging open as he rocked his hips - taking Howard in slowly.

Howard's leg was beginning to cramp in their awkward position. When he moved his leg a little, Vince slipped a bit and his face registered pain.

"Sorry, Vince, sorry. We can stop right now, I'm sorry..."

"Don't be mental, Howard," Vince whispered as he began rocking his hips again, "Don't have to be perfect and it's so... what's the word?"

"Perfect?' Howard offered, rewarded with a throaty chuckle from Vince.

"Yeah. It don't have to be perfect to be...oh, for the love of Jagger... perfect."

Howard shyly ran his free hand down Vince's chest, over his stomach and finally between his legs. Vince was only half hard but he quickly came to full attention under Howard's touch. Vince was just as Howard expected he would be: gentle, responsive and so very beautiful. Howard's own awkwardness and fumbling were also living up to his expectations but Vince showed no sign of minding. After getting Howard off twice, he seemed content to continue focusing on Howard's needs. All the little hiccoughs in their friendship, like last week when Vince accidentally sold Howard to a leprechaun in exchange for some glittery blue eyeliner, paled in comparison to the easy and unqualified love that came with Vince's friendship.

He tried to remember what Vince had done at the park and began adding a little brush over the head with his thumb each time he stroked Vince's cock.

Vince whimpered and rocked a little faster, moving his way down until Howard was as deep as humanly possible.

Howard braced himself against the tub so he could thrust upwards, causing Vince's eyes to not quite cross, but definitely go a bit wonky.

Vince responded by digging his fingers into Howard's shoulders and riding him hard, with no apparent concern for the water splashing on to the floor. Howard tried to match his pace as he took in the rather astonishing site of Vince Noir, naked and sweaty. They could clean up the water later.

Howard would clean up the water but Vince would be there, watching, equal parts bored and impressed that Howard knew how to clean up a watery mess.

Vince's fingers tangled in Howard's hair and he was panting between messy kisses, "Almost... there... Don't... stop..."

Howard decided to focus his efforts, he was rubbish at multi-tasking. He stroked Vince with increasing speed, not worrying if his kisses resembled that of a over-excited puppy (all teeth and slobber), until Vince's cock pulsed in his hand and their tub water became even less hygienic. How had Howard gone for so long only thinking of a bath tub as a place to get clean? He'd been so naive.

Vince let out a sobbing noise as he came then he said, "I want you to come inside of me, Howard. Is that all right?"

There was no need for a verbal response. Howard held Vince's hips still as his brain shut down for a few blissful seconds. The French called it a little death. How fucking French of them.

Vince was panting into Howard's shoulder, his own thin shoulders looking so pale and fragile that Howard felt compelled to hold him tightly - to protect him from roving gangs of bathroom thugs or perhaps an aggressive spigot.

"All right, Little Man?"

"I don't want this to be a one time thing," Vince said in a small voice, rubbing his face against Howard's shoulder, "I don't want to not talk about it again or pretend it was because of the potion. I want this to be forever."

Vince found yet another thin scar to fuss over. He'd asked about the scars years ago, when they'd been fresher and less healed. He never seemed to question Howard's explanation that they had been the result of jazz related street fights. Vince tended to take people at their word.

"Well," Howard said, his voice a little shaky, "We are engaged. There's a whole restaurant of witnesses..."

Vince giggled, "That's right! I can have you in court for breech of..."

"Contract." 

"Yeah, that, if you try and back out. And you need to buy me a proper ring, one that ain't hollow."

Howard took Vince's hand and examined the ring. It would be fitted with a proper gem. Another thought far too large for a bathtub. He'd have to revisit that a bit later as well.

"Howard! Why didn't you tell me I looked a mess?" Vince wailed as he caught sight of himself in the reflective surface of the tap, "I don't want you thinkin' 'bout how I looked like a raccoon the first time we, you know..."

"Made love?" Howard offered. There seemed little point in trying to feign sophistication or urbane detachment at this point. He'd offered up his heart for derision and had instead been rewarded with amazing, bath tub sex. Easier to train than any of Pavlov's pups, Howard was already re-thinking his entire stance on romance. His first brush with the love that dare not speak its name had resulted in beatings, leaving school early and being treated like a stranger in the home where he was raised but this second experience was going quite a bit better.

Vince scrubbed at his smudged make-up, "Yeah. That."

Howard had always assumed Vince chose not to discuss things like love and romance in deference to Howard's lack of experience with either. Now he wondered why Vince was so at ease with the exchange of bodily fluids but went red at any mention of romance. They had so much left to learn about each other.

"I thought the best thing was just to be alone," Howard said, pulling Vince back into his arms, "Tommy didn't give a toss about anything but the zoo. I wanted to be like him but you wouldn't let me keep to myself."

"I was like a glittery parasite, hanging on ya day an' night. A tick in lip gloss, giving you lemon disease."

"Lyme disease," Howard automatically corrected, Vince's half-hidden but cheeky smile telling him the mistake was on purpose - just another plea for attention even as they were naked and holding one another, "I don't like to think where I'd be now if you hadn't come along."

"Probably married to some brainy girl with a bunch of brainy kids wearing cardigans. The jazz fusion version of the Von Trapp family."

Later, he would tell Vince all the reasons that was not a likely scenario but this wasn't the time and it certainly wasn't the place. They were getting all pruney.

"Good thing it wasn't Gideon since her husband showed up, again," Vince observed, "That would have been well awkward. I always thought Derek Gideon was all right, you know? Well brainy and brave and handsome and all those things girls are meant to like. How come she don't look very happy that he came back?"

Howard squeezed Vince tightly, "Thank you."

"For what?" Vince wheezed. Howard loosened his grip.

"I thought I was imagining things. She really didn't look happy, did she?"

Vince pulled back and gave Howard a big, tight grin - his eyes darting back and forth, "I'm so... happy? my husband is back. I really... missed him?"

It was an exaggeration and Howard felt guilty for laughing but, Vince was right. He was sure that Mrs. Gideon loved her husband in her own way but, she always seemed happier on her own. Howard wondered how much of his crush on Gideon, as with his adoration of Tommy, had been a response to that solitary nature. Howard had always wanted to be happy on his own.

"Not everyone is cut out for married life," Howard observed.

"How 'bout you? You the marryin' type?" Vince asked coquettishly.

"There's a ring on your finger, isn't there?"

Vince held up his hand, "It's gonna fall off soon, my skin is so wrinkley. Promise things won't fall apart once we get out of this tub?"

Vince wouldn't look him in the eye. How could he possibly have doubts at this point?

"You heard Cupid! It'll be months, maybe even years before I return to my senses enough to ruin things," Howard said in his most reassuring tone.

Vince grinned, "Cheers, Howard. I forgot that bit. Let's go get rid of your bed."

Vince was already out of the tub and running towards their room, wet and naked, leaving wet foot prints behind him.

"Why are we getting rid of my bed?" Howard yelled as he clambered out of the tub, his legs full of pins and needles.

"Cause you'll sleep in mine, ya berk. We'll be able to fit another armoire in here and another full length mirror and a mirror above the bed..."

"I don't want to sleep in a brothel designed by Mr. Susan," Howard cried as he wrapped himself in a towel.

"Quit fussin' or I'll get Cupid after you," Vince retorted, "He slipped me his number, ya know."

Howard hadn't known but he wasn't at all surprised. Fucking Cupid.


End file.
